スコア別回答例

問題文

Read the question below. Give yourself 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 350 words.

• Many people believe that increasing levels of violence on television and in films is having a direct result on levels of violence in society.
• Others claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment.
• How much do you think society is affected by violence in the media?

回答例

• I think the media have a huge influence on increasing levels of violence in addition to their family backgrounds and their innate cognitive abilities. I feel this way for reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.
• First, television portrays so much violence and cruelty. To make matters worse, people can see thousands of realistically enacted murders and beatings on TV. Some studies reported that children who watched violent TV were more inclined to show violent tendencies. Children still lack the ability of judgement that what movies and TV programs tell are appropriate or not, realistic or not. Therefore, increasing the level of violence on TV or films lead to a direct result on the level of the current society. For example, in the Japanese famous animation, called Meitantei Konan, someone is killed by murders in each episode. A detective looks for the criminals who killed him in this animation. Children might regard murders as an everyday occurrence and in fact, i took it as granted in childhood. It’s famous that increase of these animation did attributed to surge the violence inn the school since 80’s. Therefore, I really think some animations must need an age limit.
• Moreover, we have too many chances to expose myself to the media. We can easily get access to movies through the Internet. The more interesting the movies are, the more violent scenes they have. This circumstance means that we are influenced by the media with ease. For instance, there are a lot of SF movies all over the world. These movies often have violent scenes to make us excited. We can enjoy these movies even on our own mobile phones.
• In conclusion, the media is essential for our lives. However, from the different perspectives, the media may have a big impact on our behaviors and thoughts. Therefore, we should reconsider and pay much attention to what we watch in the media from now.

評価のポイント

1.　導入センテンスがない

• “I think the media have …”と導入センテンスがなく、最初から主張を展開しようとしている。
• 4点（25点）以上を取得するためには、導入センテンス挿入する必要がある。自分の主張を述べる前に設問の背景・問題定義をすることで、読み手が同じイメージを共有することができる。（Hookとして機能する）

2. 対比がない

• 主張構成に対立が含まれず、設問の“Others claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment.”に言及していない。
• 仮に対立する要素がないのであれば主張の段階で”huge influence”という反論の余地を残すのではなく、”completely”や”definitely”を用いて断定的な主張を構築する必要がある。（その場合においても反論を打ち消すことで主張を強めることが理想）

3. 具体例の機能不足

• “For example, in the Japanese famous animation, called Meitantei Konan, someone is killed by murders in each episode”とあるが採点官は日本人でないので、具体的なイメージとして共有することができない。つまり、具体例として機能していない。
• 具体例を挙げるときは誰でもわかるものにすること。例えば上記の例だとSherlock Holmesなどが良い。

4. 真実でないことを書いている

• “The more interesting the movies are, the more violent scenes they have.”とあるが、暴力的な映画でなくても面白いものは当然あるので主張そのものが間違っている。
• よく「TOEFLは嘘を書いていい」という情報があるが、それはあくまで理由や具体例のエピソードが中心になる。
• 現在形で当たり前の事実として述べていることが、該当センテンスの問題点である。

6. ボディのバランス

• ボディの分量が均等でないので、主張のサポートにムラがあるように読み手は感じる。また文章を展開できていないと評価されることで、総合的な評価が下がるので注意する。
• 例えば、2つ目のボディでは、ゲームやソーシャルメディア（もしくは新聞やブログ）などに着目して展開すると良かったかもしれない。

7. 基礎的な文法の間違いが散見される

• 例えば、”I think the media have a huge influence on increasing levels of violence in addition to their family backgrounds and their innate cognitive abilities.” とあるがmediaは単数なのでhasとなる。abilityは不可算名詞で、abilitiesだと「才能」という意味に変わる。
• また、”TV programs tell are appropriate…” 動詞は2つ連続して並ぶことができない。
• このように文法のミスが散見されると、どうしても評価が下がってしまう傾向がある。TOEFLでは量を書く方が重要であるが、より高いスコアを目指すためにケアレスミスをなくして同じ失敗をしないようにすること。

8. 機械的な文章が目立つ

• 例えば、”Children still lack the ability of judgement that what movies.”など「判断力」と表現したかったと考えられるが、実際の英語ではあまり使われない語順である。この場合英語では、”Children still lack the ability to judge what movies”などと表現すると良い。

問題文

Read the question below. Give yourself 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 350 words.

• In many countries, women no longer feel the need to get married. Some people believe that this is because women are able to earn their own income and therefore do not require the financial security that marriage can bring.
• To what extent do you agree?

回答例

• Over the last decade, the number of women who decide to remain single has increased. Some people attribute this to the social change women have experienced: more and more women earn their own salaries nowadays, which mitigates economic uncertainty and reduces the necessity to get married. Although this claim seems true and I agree with it to some extent, I do believe that there are other factors to be considered.
• To begin with, women can easily find their role models in today’s society, leading them to consider different roles in society. For instance, in the past, women were discouraged from getting a job or earning money. Instead, they were expected to get married as early as possible, give birth, and take care of children while doing housework without working outside. On the other hand, nowadays, many women succeed in a variety of fields. In fact, the number of female politicians, female entrepreneurs, and female executives is now gradually increasing. This social change has helped women – especially, young women or girls – to pursue different dreams (e.g., start their own businesses, lead politics, and get promoted). As a result, some women put less emphasis on marriage and realize that it is not necessary for them to get married, leading to a decrease in the number of women who aspire to get married.
• In addition, the lack of support for women is another factor. One of the examples, which clearly describes this point, is domestic violence. Domestic violence is widespread in many countries. However, assuming that it is better not to interfere with marital affairs, people – especially, men – do not pay much attention to this issue. Few organizations are willing to financially or mentally support victims. This lack of support leads women to fear that they may become the victims when they get married. As a result, women feel unsecured, making them unwilling to get married. Indeed, the lack of support for women causes women to stay away from marriage.
• In conclusion, women do not think that marriage is important in their lives for three reasons. First, they can earn enough money by themselves. Second, thanks to various role models, women find out different ways of life, which changes their perspectives on their roles in society. Finally, the lack of support for women who experience domestic violence might be perceived as scarce, leading women to avoid marriage altogether. Clearly, there are various reasons other than economic factors.

評価のポイント

1. 主張が明確でない

• Although this claim seems true (1)and I agree with it to some extent, (2)I do believe that there are other factors to be considered.
• （1）その前の文と意味が重複するかつ、主張の “I do believe” がどの程度強い考えなのかという程度を曖昧にしている。
• 設問では “to what extent do you agree” と問われているので、どのくらい賛成しているのかがわかる程度を示す必要がある。
• そのため、completely(100%)、mostly(70-80%)、partly(30-50%)、といった程度を表す副詞を挿入することで設問に対する主張のポジションを明確に表すことが重要。

2. トピックセンテンスが明確でない

• To begin with, women can easily find their role models in today’s society, leading them to consider different roles in society. 
• 「ロールモデルを見つけることができること」が、どのようにして「結婚する必要ないと女性が考えている」という設問に関連しているかが不明確。
• また、設問では「金銭的な安全を必要としないから結婚する必要ないという考えを持っている」ことに対して賛成か反対かを尋ねているのに対して、お金という観点が抜け落ちていることが確認できる。

3. 具体例の抽象度が高い

• In fact, the number of female politicians, female entrepreneurs, and female executives is now gradually increasing.
• 具体例として挙げているにもかかわらず、情報の抽象度が高く読み手と同じイメージを共有することができない。
• 改善点として、”In fact, the number of female politicians such as Angel Merkel, Kamala Harris and Tsai Ing-wen leading world is now growing exponentially.” のように、具体例は誰でも知っている固有名詞まで落とし込むこと良い。
• 採点官は日本人でないため、日本人にしか分からない端的な情報を避けることが望ましい。

4. アイデアに対する展開が不十分

• However, assuming that it is better not to interfere with marital affairs, people – especially, men – do not pay much attention to this issue. Few organizations are willing to financially or mentally support victims.
• “men do not pay much attention to this issue.” と断定的な事実を述べているが、それをサポートする根拠がない。また後に続く文章も具体性が欠けているので、主張の信憑性を損ねてしまっている。
• 改善点として例えば、”As Covid-19 cases surged in the world, stay-at-home orders were put in place. Many workers were furloughed, laid off, or told to work from home. With personal movement limited and people confined to their homes, advocates expressed concern about a potential increase in domestic violence. In some regions, the number of calls surged by more than 50%.” のように具体例を交えて書くことで読み手に納得感を与えることができる。

5. 新しい情報を結論パラグラフに含めている

• First, they can earn enough money by themselves.
• これまでボディで展開していなかった情報を結論にもってきているので、文章の繋がりがない非論理的な文章と判断される。

6. ボディ内で重複の意味を持つ文章がある

• (1)In fact, the number of female politicians, female entrepreneurs, and female executives is now gradually increasing. This social change has helped women – especially, young women or girls – to pursue different dreams (2)(e.g., start their own businesses, lead politics, and get promoted).
• （1）と（2）が実質的に同じことを述べていて、主張に進展がみられない。
• 「様々な職種で働く女性が増えている」ので、どのような結果が起こっているのか。この場合、「女性が金銭的援助を必要としなくなり結婚しなくなった」という設問と関連付ける必要がある。