【タスク2】バンドスコアごとの回答例

問題文

• Many people believe that increasing levels of violence on television and in films is having a direct result on levels of violence in society. Others claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment.
• How much do you think society is affected by violence in the media?
• Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.
• Write at least 250 words.

回答例

• Nowadays, the number of troubles related to violence seems to have increased. I think the media have a huge influence on increasing levels of violence in addition to their family backgrounds and their innate cognitive abilities. I feel this way for reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.
• First, television portrays so much violence and cruelty. To make matters worse, people can see thousands of realistically enacted murders and beatings on TV. Some studies reported that children who watched violent TV were more inclined to show violent tendencies. Children still lack the ability of judgement that what movies and TV programs tell are appropriate or not, realistic or not. Therefore, increasing the level of violence on TV or films lead to a direct result on the level of the current society. For example, in the Japanese famous animation, called Meitantei Konan, someone is killed by murders in each episode. A detective looks for the criminals who killed him in this animation. However, children might regard murders as an everyday occurance. Therefore, I really think some animations must need an age limit.
• Moreover, we have too many chances to expose myself to the media. We can easily get access to movies through the Internet. The more interesting the movies are, the more violent scenes they have. This circumstance means that we are influenced by the media with ease. For instance, there are a lot of SF movies all over the world. These movies often have violent scenes to make us excited. We can enjoy these movies even on our own mobile phones.
• In conclusion, the media is essential for our lives. However, from the different perspectives, the media may have a big impact on our behaviors and thoughts. Therefore, we should reconsider and pay much attention to what we watch in the media from now.

 スコア

• TA: 5
• CC: 6
• LR: 6
• GR: 6
• OA: 6.0

評価のポイント

1.　基礎的な文法の間違い

• “I think the media have a huge influence on increasing levels of violence in addition to their family backgrounds and their innate cognitive abilities.”
• mediaは単数なのでhasとなる。また、abilityは不可算名詞。（abilitiesだと「才能」という意味に変わる）
• “Children still lack the ability of judgement that what movies and TV programs tell are appropriate or not, realistic or not.”
• 動詞が2つ並ぶことはできない。この場合はtellが不要。
• 6.0以上を取得するためには、こういった小さな文法間違いはなくす

2. 代名詞の使用

• “I think the media have a huge influence on increasing levels of violence in addition to their family backgrounds and their innate cognitive abilities.”
• 既出の単語でない場合は代名詞は使えない。

3. 不自然な語の組み合わせ

• “Children still lack the ability of judgement that what movies and TV programs tell are appropriate or not, realistic or not.”
• 「判断力」と表す場合は “the ability to make a decision ” などと表現するのが一般的。また、”ability to judge” と表現する。

4. 具体例の機能

• “For example, in the Japanese famous animation, called Meitantei Konan, someone is killed by murders in each episode.”
• 具体例は書き手と読み手のイメージを共有するポイント。採点官は日本人でないので、具体例を挙げるときは誰でもわかるものにすること。展開が不十分という評価になる。例えばこの場合だとSherlock Holmesなどにすると良い。

5. 内容が重複している

• ボディ1で、
• “First, television portrays so much violence and cruelty. To make matters worse, people can see thousands of realistically enacted murders and beatings on TV.”
• と述べた後に、ボディ2で
• “The more interesting the movies are, the more violent scenes they have.”
• と実質的に同じことを述べている。同じ意味や表現の繰り返しは評価が下がるので注意する。

6. 事実とは明確に異なる主張を展開している

• “The more interesting the movies are, the more violent scenes they have.”
• 「映画が面白いほど、暴力的なシーンが増える」という主張を裏返すと、「暴力的なシーンがないと映画は面白くならない」と述べていることになる。当然、暴力的なシーンがなくても面白いまたは名作と言われる映画はあるので明確に事実と異なると考えられる。

7. ボディのバランス

• ボディ1とボディ2の文字数が大きく異なる。可能であれば文字数を均等にすることが望ましい。
• ボディには主張に説得力を持たせるためにあるので、バランスが悪いと無理に説得力を持たせて展開しようとしている印象を与える。
• 例えば、2つ目のボディでは、ゲームやソーシャルメディア（もしくは新聞やブログ）などに着目して展開すると良かったかもしれない。

8. 設問対して十分に回答できていない

• 問いには、social problems such as unemploymentなどが含まれているが、エッセイ全体がmediaを中心に展開されている。問題に部分的にしか言及していないとTAにて5.0という評価を受ける。
• 仮に、mediaのみを中心に展開するのであれば、導入でその他の社会問題は関係がないことを述べる必要がある。

問題文

• In many countries, women no longer feel the need to get married. Some people believe that this is because women are able to earn their own income and therefore do not require the financial security that marriage can bring.
• To what extent do you agree?
• Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.
• Write at least 250 words.

回答例

• Over the last decade, the number of women who decide to remain single has increased. Some people attribute this to the social change women have experienced: more and more women earn their own salaries nowadays, which mitigates economic uncertainty and reduces the necessity to get married. Although this claim seems true and I agree with it to some extent, I do believe that there are other factors to be considered.
• To begin with, women can easily find their role models in today’s society, leading them to consider different roles in society. For instance, in the past, women were discouraged from getting a job or earning money. Instead, they were expected to get married as early as possible, give birth, and take care of children while doing housework without working outside. On the other hand, nowadays, many women succeed in a variety of fields. In fact, the number of female politicians, female entrepreneurs, and female executives is now gradually increasing. This social change has helped women – especially, young women or girls – to pursue different dreams (e.g., start their own businesses, lead politics, and get promoted). As a result, some women put less emphasis on marriage and realize that it is not necessary for them to get married, leading to a decrease in the number of women who aspire to get married.
• In addition, the lack of support for women is another factor. One of the examples, which clearly describes this point, is domestic violence. Domestic violence is widespread in many countries. However, assuming that it is better not to interfere with marital affairs, people – especially, men – do not pay much attention to this issue. Few organizations are willing to financially or mentally support victims. This lack of support leads women to fear that they may become the victims when they get married. As a result, women feel unsecured, making them unwilling to get married. Indeed, the lack of support for women causes women to stay away from marriage.
• In conclusion, women do not think that marriage is important in their lives for three reasons. First, they can earn enough money by themselves. Second, thanks to various role models, women find out different ways of life, which changes their perspectives on their roles in society. Finally, the lack of support for women who experience domestic violence might be perceived as scarce, leading women to avoid marriage altogether. Clearly, there are various reasons other than economic factors.

評価

• TA: 6
• CC: 6
• LR: 7
• GR: 7
• OA: 6.5

評価のポイント

1. 主張が明確でない

• Although this claim seems true (1)and I agree with it to some extent, (2)I do believe that there are other factors to be considered.
• （1）その前の文と意味が重複するかつ、主張の “I do believe” がどの程度強い考えなのかという程度を曖昧にしている。
• 設問では “to what extent do you agree” と問われているので、どのくらい賛成しているのかがわかる程度を示す必要がある。
• そのため、completely(100%)、mostly(70-80%)、partly(30-50%)、といった程度を表す副詞を挿入することで設問に対する主張のポジションを明確に表すことが重要。

2. トピックセンテンスが明確でない

• To begin with, women can easily find their role models in today’s society, leading them to consider different roles in society. 
• 「ロールモデルを見つけることができること」が、どのようにして「結婚する必要ないと女性が考えている」という設問に関連しているかが不明確。
• また、設問では「金銭的な安全を必要としないから結婚する必要ないという考えを持っている」ことに対して賛成か反対かを尋ねているのに対して、お金という観点が抜け落ちていることが確認できる。

3. 具体例の抽象度が高い

• In fact, the number of female politicians, female entrepreneurs, and female executives is now gradually increasing.
• 具体例として挙げているにもかかわらず、情報の抽象度が高く読み手と同じイメージを共有することができない。
• 改善点として、”In fact, the number of female politicians such as Angel Merkel, Kamala Harris and Tsai Ing-wen leading world is now growing exponentially.” のように、具体例は誰でも知っている固有名詞まで落とし込むこと良い。
• 採点官は日本人でないため、日本人にしか分からない端的な情報を避けることが望ましい。

4. アイデアに対する展開が不十分

• However, assuming that it is better not to interfere with marital affairs, people – especially, men – do not pay much attention to this issue. Few organizations are willing to financially or mentally support victims.
• “men do not pay much attention to this issue.” と断定的な事実を述べているが、それをサポートする根拠がない。また後に続く文章も具体性が欠けているので、主張の信憑性を損ねてしまっている。
• 改善点として例えば、”As Covid-19 cases surged in the world, stay-at-home orders were put in place. Many workers were furloughed, laid off, or told to work from home. With personal movement limited and people confined to their homes, advocates expressed concern about a potential increase in domestic violence. In some regions, the number of calls surged by more than 50%.” のように具体例を交えて書くことで読み手に納得感を与えることができる。

5. 新しい情報を結論パラグラフに含めている

• First, they can earn enough money by themselves.
• これまでボディで展開していなかった情報を結論にもってきているので、文章の繋がりがない非論理的な文章と判断される。

6. ボディ内で重複の意味を持つ文章がある

• (1)In fact, the number of female politicians, female entrepreneurs, and female executives is now gradually increasing. This social change has helped women – especially, young women or girls – to pursue different dreams (2)(e.g., start their own businesses, lead politics, and get promoted).
• （1）と（2）が実質的に同じことを述べていて、主張に進展がみられない。
• 「様々な職種で働く女性が増えている」ので、どのような結果が起こっているのか。この場合、「女性が金銭的援助を必要としなくなり結婚しなくなった」という設問と関連付ける必要がある。

問題文

• Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives.
• In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make?
• Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.
• Write at least 250 words.

回答例

• Thanks to the significant progress in medical science, people can now lead longer lives. Some people claim that this change puts upward pressure on the medical expenditure in their own countries. However, I believe that older people contribute to society in two ways: stimulating the economy and allowing young people to learn more about past events.
• To begin with, older people actively participate in economic activities. The age that people retire is changing. In the past, people used to retire from their companies at the age of 60. In contrast, nowadays, people usually work even when they reach their 70s. This increases output, resulting in economic growth. Unlike before, due to ganing salary till late stage in the life, older people spend money on goods and services as young people do. Thus, if the number of older people rises, it stimulates consumption which in turn leads to economic growth. Indeed, older people may promote growth in production and consumption numbers.
• In addition, older people can tell younger generations about past events much more easily and comprehensively. For instance, when it comes to the Olympics, those aged 65 or older experienced the Tokyo Olympics in 1965. They are able to talk about their experiences in the Olympics. Although a lot of historical records on that event are available, those who have the first-hand experience can describe that event in much more detail. Moreover, those aged 85 or over experienced World War II. In the war, atomic bombs were dropped in Hiroshima and Nagasaki and had long-term impacts on residents, which human beings should not forget. Thus, listening to those who survived the war is a great opportunity for young people to understand the catastrophic effects of the war and the bombs on people. Clearly, older people enable younger generations to learn about the past by providing profound insight into past events and teaching important lessons.
• In conclusion, elderly people can make significant contributions to society in two ways. First, through their daily economic activities, they can contribute to economic growth. Second, by sharing their experiences with young people, they can hugely complement historical documents.

評価

• TA: 7
• CC: 7
• LR: 7
• GR: 7
• OA: 7

評価のポイント

1. 導入の構成がクリアである

• Thanks to the significant progress in medical science, people can now lead longer lives. Some people claim that this change puts upward pressure on the medical expenditure in their own countries.
• 読み手とのイメージを共有するために、一般的な事象を述べることからエッセイを書き出している。また、自分の主張を述べる前に譲歩となる反論意見を述べることで、自分のポジションをより明確に表すことができている。

2. 主張のポジションが明確である

• I believe that older people contribute to society in two ways: stimulating the economy and allowing young people to learn more about past events.
• Thesis Statmentが明確でかつ一定の抽象度が保たれているので、読み手が筆者の主張をイメージしやすくなる。また、センテンスをシンプルにすることで、読み手の負担を下げることができている。

3. トピックセンテンスの主張が明確（ボディ）

• Body1: To begin with, older people actively participate in economic activities.
• Body2: In addition, older people can tell younger generations about past events much more easily and comprehensively.
• Thesis Statmentと同様に、トピックセンテンスをあえてシンプルに表現することで論点を明確にすることができている。

4. ボディの展開がスムーズである

• ボディ1: The age that people retire is changing. In the past, people used to retire from their companies at the age of 60.
• ボディ2: Moreover, those aged 85 or over experienced World War II. In the war, atomic bombs were dropped in Hiroshima and Nagasaki and had long-term impacts on residents, which human beings should not forget.
• 良いライティングというのは読み手が書き手の伝えたいイメージを共有できることを指す。そのため、抽象的な事実を述べた上で、その事実に基づいた具体例を述べることが効果的である。
• 上記の例では「抽象→具体」とセンテンスの具体性が向上し、徐々に伝えたい内容にリアリティを持たすことができている。

5. ボディの最終センテンスで意図を要約している

• Clearly, older people enable younger generations to provide profound insight into past events and learn important lessons from them.
• ボディの最終センテンスに、その段落の要約を加えることで「抽象→具体→抽象」の順番でセンテンスを展開することができ、読み手はより鮮明なイメージを抱けるようになる。
• この時に、トピックセンテンスと同じ語彙を使用しないようにパラフレーズするとより評価が高まる。

6. 結論のまとまり

• In conclusion, elderly people can make significant contributions to society in two ways. First, through their daily economic activities, they can contribute to economic growth. Second, by sharing their experiences with young people, they can hugely complement historical documents.
• 結論パラグラフに導入で述べた主張のパラフレーズを加えることで、読み手は再度主張を確認することができる。
• 段落構成も同様に「抽象→具体→抽象」の順に展開することが効果的である。